ROOM 4

                                               FOR UGLY GUYS ONLY (FUGO)

The fine boy-celebrity,
Tall, Dark and Handsome guy days are over for the stereotyped Mr. Perfect who
goes by the name, Brad, Bryan or Brandon. Why these Bs, anyways? Well, welcome
to the era of the uncelebrated, short, dark (charcoal black, not ebony), and
ugly boys.

I did not wait patiently
for this ugly-to-fine evolution, but I waited. And it did not even take too
long before submissions were made and ideologies changed to suit the immediate
needs of the ladies of nowadays.

Today the ladies have
woken up to a realization that the “Fine-boy” cliche mentality does not pay the
bills. It can take you as far as Sheraton, but it doesn’t get you into a room.
Or to better simply put it; it can take you to the common street side Buka, but
Mama Iyabo cannot use Brad’s face to sell Amala.

This quickly brings
Inalegwu into the scene. Ina… (As they now call him for short to make the name
sound nice and appealing), is nowhere near an OK guy, let alone handsome. In
fact, he is only as fine as the cripple in the movie 300. But the bakery where
his ‘Bread’ is coming out of is one bakery that manufactures its own flours and
even distributes to other bakeries.

Ina…is filthy rich, so
literally, his money stinks. Now, unlike the situation where the ladies date
Brad for his looks and use Ina to pay the bills, Ina has grown to know now, and
Brad now kinna wrinkles (maybe he now keeps his Mustache and looks like
Samanja), so not so fine girl, Nikki (Nneka for long) now needs an Orlando
Bloom and not a Gandalf.

QUICK
NOTE: If you are not handsome, be Intelligent. If you are not intelligent, have
some good money. If you are neither Handsome and Intelligent nor Rich, you
might just wanna kill yourself…

The question is, who
determines what is beautiful, handsome or ugly? The so-called ugly men today
are turning clean and eventually handsome because money makes you look really
good even when you can’t spell the word-good. Money can clean and reconfigure
the facial settings of individuals to give a perfect makeover.

So Ina has emailed all his
looks alike to freely accept the tag “Ugly”, as nowadays, that gives you the
finest ladies money can attract. Ooops! I meant the finest ladies money can buy.

I recently discovered that
ladies are editing their shopping lists from Handsome to God-fearing, from Tall
to Average, from Dark to Albino (seriously?), and finally adding something new-
from Well to do to World Bank. But they put that mildly like this; “A man who
has prospects…” (The ellipsis is something they won’t ever include. It is   “… of
becoming a money machine”!